beat.>grunger: #Words from the subcultural mind of a dharma bum.*

Mon, 21 Nov 2005 16:08:12 GMT

God now appears dead,
Losing a battle with hate,
Worthless, we all die.

Thu, 03 Nov 2005 18:36:10 GMT

This goes out to whoever I bested in the last 24 hours. (you know who you are!) I just wanted to say thanks for playing into my hands, you gave me the reaction I wanted!

And Jesus loves you.

Swan' Song...

Tue, 01 Nov 2005 23:00:11 GMT

I just want to let everyone know that I am no longer going to keep this Live Journal up as far as personal posts go. I don't like being around people, or involved in a circle. I don't even belong anywhere, as usual. I don't hang out in Statesboro often, and when I do I smoke and sit on curbs. I don't hang out with people at the college, they're children in big people suits that don't fit. I will post events like band practices, shows, or gaming events, like Travis and my Metroid Fest, and Castlemania, in the works with my brother. Imight also post a poem or lyrics to a song I've written, but that's to get it out there.

Reasons for this?

A) I don't think anyone cares
B) Those who do will call me or talk to me online
C) People aren't entitled to my private life
D) People mostly gossip about you post disses
E) If I need sympathy or self-assurance, which are to main LJ purposes, I'll get them in person.

I can't stand social circles any more. I can't stand the idea of people I hate spying on my life and knowing how I'm doing. If people care beyond "Aw, I'm sorry. *hugs*" They'll fucking call me on my fucking telephone, on my fucking phone number that is 478-763-3558, and fucking invite me to fucking do something.So to all you anonymous posters, GO FUCK YOURSELF. To all you who care, write my number down.

I'm sure everyone will post shit like "You're a dick Michael." To them I say, "congratulations, you just dissed me on a fucking computer screen. Say it to my face and see how long you're on your feet.

I'll keep City_of_Dogs online, however.

Anyway, it was nice, but not that nice.

Metroid Fest 2005

Tue, 01 Nov 2005 14:32:10 GMT

7 GAMES
5 CONSOLES
2 PLAYERS
1 BOUNTY HUNTER
24 HOURS

TRAVIS AND MICHAEL

METROIDFEST 2005

24 HOURS OF OPEN METROID SEASON…..FUCK THE LIMIT.

Wed, 26 Oct 2005 02:16:41 GMT

Anyone who has me added to his or her friends list would be doing themselves a huge disservice if they didn't add city_of_dogs to their friends list. I spend a lot of time on these and want it to be worth it. Thanks a lot you guys, -Mike</b></a>

Shit, what a day...

Mon, 24 Oct 2005 00:25:46 GMT

Today I sparred, which resulted in me getting hit in the kidneys. Ho-lee-shit. Felt like fire all in my midsection. I got my opponent in the throat though. Oops. Before that Will beat the shit out of my stomach again. Also, I brought my bench max up from 115 to 140, with the help of Daniel, and I can curl 70 or 80. I'm beating my body into a weapon. I need to get my jab better. My side hurts.

Had band practice. Screamed my lungs out. The police came by, said there was a noise complaint. Got shut down. Then Daniel and Sean asked everyone on the block if it bothered them, one person said sort of, but if we turned it down, no problem. When Daniel and I went to the police station, and the cop told us to finish practicing. He had just gotten on duty, the other guy had just gotten off. We're gonna try to get a noise permit.

Finished another City of Dogs. Look for it this week.

I have a job interview Tuesday, and a test which I'm about to study for tomorrow. My breakfast will be of coffee and painkillers again.

Love to all.

The Lady From Shanghai...."You know nothing of wickedness..."

Sun, 23 Oct 2005 02:30:32 GMT

This movie was fantastic. Here's an exchange from the movie. Note Orson Welles' character's name. This is why I love film-noir...I'm at home when I watch these films.

Michael: Love. Do you believe in love at all, Mrs. Bannister?
Elsa: ...I was taught to think about love in Chinese.
Michael: The way a Frenchman thinks about laughter in French?
Elsa: The Chinese say, it is difficult for love to last long. Therefore, one who loves passionately is cured of love, in the end.
Michael: Sure, that's a hard way of thinking.
Elsa: There's more to the proverb: Human nature is eternal. Therefore, one who follows his nature keeps his original nature, in the end.

I've never slept in Satan's bed...(but I dated her for three months!)

Sat, 22 Oct 2005 16:35:06 GMT

Today's breakfast was a cup of coffee and a painkiller. We went to the park to get wood. No room in the truck, I rode in back. 50-60 miles per hour, did the lotus posistion, emptied my mind, and did Zen meditaion. I focused on the road behind me, leaving me so fast, and envisioned my problems being left behind. As I zoned out the road started to swim and change, the world swirled. 50-60 miles per hour, curves, kept my balance. Only titled over once, when I wasn't concentrating. Came home. Worked on a news article. Had William hit me in the stomach hard and repeatedly with the boxing gloves...working up resistence. It stung. A lot. Now I'm here. Going to watch a noir film soon, The Lady From Shanghai. Looks good. Tomorrow me and the four guys in the band become God's in our own world's for 3 hours at practice.

It's evolution, baby.

Satan's Bed - Pearl Jam

It's not all been said...been said and done...
I've never slept in satan's bed
Although I must admit...still visits my place
Uninvited, as you know, he don't wait
Funny how he always seems to fit in
Funny how I always want to give in
Sundays, Fridays, Tuesdays, Thursday, the same
Sometimes the special guest, he don't like to leave
Already...in love...
Already...in love...
Already...in love...
Already...
Who made, who made up, made up the myth
That we were born to be covered in bliss?
Who set the standard, born to be rich?
Such fine examples, skinny little bitch
Model, role model, roll some models in blood
Get some flesh to stick, so they look like us
I shit and I stink, I'm real, join the club
I'd stop and talk, but I'm already in love
Already...in love...
Already...in love...
Already...in love...
Already...
In love...ah ha ha ha...
Ah torture...follows reward...
Follows torture...follows reward...
Oh, oh my butt...
Never shook satan's hand, look see for yourself
You'd know it if I had, that shit don't come off
I'll rise and fall, let me take credit for both
Jump off a cliff, don't need your help so back off
I'll never suck satan's dick...
Again, you'd see it, you know, right round the lips
I'll wait for an angel, but I won't hold my breath
'magine they're busy, think I'm doing okay...
Already...in love...
Already...in love...
Already...in love...
Already...

The Distance

Wed, 19 Oct 2005 01:12:29 GMT

This helps me justify why I push myself so hard...to the point where I crash and am wasted for a weekend. I'm really stressed and worn out right now. I have a lot on my plate, trying to get it all down.

The Distance - Cake

Reluctantly crouched at the starting line
Engines pumping and thumping in time
The green light flashes, the flags go up
Churning and burning they yearn for the cup

They deftly maneuver and muscle for rank
Fuels burning fast on an empty tank
Reckless and wild, they pour through the turns
Their prowess is potent and secretly stern

As they speed through the finish, the flags go down
The fans get up and they get out of town
The arena is empty except for one man
Still driving and striving as fast as he can

The sun has gone down and the moon has come up
Not long ago somebody left with the cup
But he's driving and striving an hugging the turns
And thinking of someone for who he still burns

He's going the distance
He's going for speed
She's all alone, all alone, all alone in a time of need

Because he's racing and pacing and plotting the course
He's fighting and biting and riding on his horse
He's going the distance

No trophies, no flowers, no flashbulbs, no lime
He's haunted by something he cannot define
Bowel shaking earthquakes of doubt and remorse
Assail him and bail him with monster truck force

In his mind he's still driving, still making the grade
She's hoping in time that her memories will fade
'Cause he's racing and pacing and plotting the course
He's fighting and biting and riding on his horse

The sun has gone down and the moon has come up
Not long ago somebody left with the cup
But he's striving and driving and hugging the turns
And thinking of someone for who he still burns

'Cause he's going the distance,
He's going for speed
She's all alone
All alone
All alone
In a time of need

Because he's racing and pacing and plotting the course
He's fighting and biting and riding on his horse
He's racing and pacing and plotting the course
He's fighting and biting and ridding on his horse
He's going the distance
He's going for speed
He's going the distance

Show Confirmed

Mon, 17 Oct 2005 22:35:05 GMT

I talked with the coordinator of Student Activities, and Mad Minute is officially on the bill for the November rock concert, dates to be announced, but in the second week, probably Tuesday or Wednesday. Other bands most likely to be on the bill are The Industry and From Never. Mad Minute is practicing hard, and have a new drummer. Mad Minute will also be getting publicity photos taken this week for posters.

The working set list is:

Originals:

Amylase
Penny Sympathies
Harbinger
Vietnam
Jamie Uses
Wisher (working title)

Covers:

Bulls on Parade - Rage Against the Machine

Additions and subtractions will be made by the time of the show. These are ones we practiced and will be on the bill. Possibles are:

Originals:

Bullet Youth
Fallout

Covers:

Touch Me, I'm Sick - Mudhoney
Watch Outside - The Monomen

(^ Not practiced, but easy. You'll have to petition us to play Nirvana, otherwise, no more career suicide for Michael. I'm sick of being calle Kurt. ^)

Each band will have roughly 45-50 minutes of stage time. Anyway, I hope everyone is a friend of ours, or who likes good music will enjoy. See you there.

-M-

Emotionally fucked song of the week.

Wed, 12 Oct 2005 01:28:42 GMT

This song is about people who are hurt and then in turn hurt other people to feel complete. I'm not a homosexual, this is just a song.

Prison Sex - Tool

It took so long to remember just what happened. I was so young and vestal then, you know it hurt me, but I'm breathing so I guess I'm still alive even if signs seem to tell me otherwise. I've got my hands bound, my head down, my eyes closed, and my throat wide open.

Do unto others what has been done to you

I'm treading water, I need to sleep a while. My lamb and martyr, you look so precious. Won't you come a bit closer, close enough so I can smell you. I need you to feel this, I can't stand to burn too long. Released in this sodomy. For one sweet moment I am whole.

Do unto you now what has been done to me.

You're breathing so I guess you're still alive even if signs seem to tell me otherwise. Won't you come just a bit closer, close enough so I can smell you.

I need you to feel this. I need this to make me whole. There's release in this sodomy. For I am your witness that blood and flesh can be trusted. And only this one holy medium brings me piece of mind.

Got your hands bound, your head down, your eyes closed. You look so precious now.

I have found some kind of temporary sanity in this shit blood and cum on my hands.

I've come round full circle. My lamb and martyr, this will be over soon. You look so precious.

My life in a picture.

Mon, 10 Oct 2005 21:32:07 GMT

I found this picture on the internet. It shows how I feel perfectly...
Sigh.

2005 Highlights

Sat, 08 Oct 2005 00:03:23 GMT

The highlights of my life for this year have been:

The church breaking up with me
My girlfriend breaking up with me
My band falling to pieces
My cat dying

AND THE MOTHER FUCKING WHITE SOX SWEEPING THE RED SOX IN THE FIRST FUCKING THREE GAMES OF THE GODDAMNED PLAYOFFS!!!!!!

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCKK!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm really rock bottom right now, so if you want to talk to me one last time before I kill myself over the Red Sox choke, gimme a ring.

Problems...

Wed, 05 Oct 2005 14:55:13 GMT

I'm sitting behind an absolutely gorgeous blonde in the computer lab. Well, no, she just left. There. That should be metaphor enough for my life as far as girls go. I could never get the guts to speak to her, I feel like I'm not worthy, like she's above me, like she's one up in class.

But all my problems don't matter anymore, and that's because the Red Sox are in the playoffs. I will be thinking of nothing else until the World Series, or until the Sox lose.

-

Life just isn't fun anymore.

Fri, 30 Sep 2005 16:34:02 GMT

Life isn't fun anymore. The world isn't beautiful. Everything feels like it's gray, like we're trapped on a black and white photograph. I'm not happy. I don't know what I want. Cigarettes, energy drinks. Staying up late night in self-induced narcolepsy. I sat in my car when I got home to listen to "Meet Virginia" on the radio. I wish it would rain.

I cut my hair. I don't like who I am these days. I'm sick of the man in the mirror. I'm piercing my ear. I'm bored, tired, and worn out on my old social circle. I feel old. I feel like I'm growing up to fast, and at the same time, not fast enough. I'm never satisfied. I have wants, I have needs, I have unfulfillment of both. My heart is in atrophy. Nay do I live; Merely I exist.

Someone held me today. I tried to feel, but it's difficult. I'd give her my body, but I don't think theirs any heart left. We have a past. Maybe we ignored to much, maybe I didn't say enough.

I play video games and read comics a lot. I'm an escapist. I watch black and white noir films, because I relate. I write. I sing. I bleed. I die. I'm not beautiful inside or out. I feel worn and gray. I'm not happy. I'm not happy. I'm just not happy anymore.

I pretend to be famous. I pretend to be someone important. I try to ignore my problems.

It's my right to be self-loathing. I will never be a hero. I'm nobody's hero.

I'm not alive anymore. I'm just existing, just a shell.

Everything is so goddamned hollow.

Bullet Proof Skin

Mon, 26 Sep 2005 13:23:23 GMT

Gavin's new band. Great single. Not sure if these are correct.

Bullet Proof Skin

Cold to disappear but
I missed you more these days
And all these tatooed angels
Have brought me back today

I'm a wasted boy, empty master plan
Been stuck inside this lonely room again
You get paranoid, see vultures circling Want to sleep with them down comes the final curtain
Until, you come, into your soul again
We'll be the worst of best friends
Does it feel like Christmas in Hollywood?
Does it feel like we're ever going to make it home?

Burn, baby burn
Strung out on a wire
Heart in a cage
You’re so full of desire
You need, fast hands
To deal with all the liars
So don’t burn baby burn baby burn

It’s a waste of joy, I can hardly stand
Been looking for the ramp for my escape
And of animals, so close to perfect
They're the only ones who seem to know their heart
Does it feel like Christmas in Hollywood?
Does it feel like we could ever come undone?

Burn, baby burn
Strung out on a wire
Heart in a cage
You’re so full of desire
You need, fast hands
To deal with all the liars
Bullet-proof skin to keep you alive
Burn, baby burn
Strung out on a wire
So don’t burn baby burn baby burn

I can't hold you, I can't hold you, I can't hold you
To lose you is to never love again
To lose you is to never love again
To lose you is to never love again
To lose you...

Burn, baby burn
Strung out on a wire
Heart in a cage
You’re so full of desire
You need, fast hands
To deal with all the liars
Bullet-proof skin to keep you alive
Burn, baby burn
Strung out on a wire
So don’t burn baby burn baby burn

I can't hold you, I can't hold you
I can't hold you, I can't hold you

Red Bull, cigarettes, video games, music, writing. I feel totally lame. I need someone, something...to hold to, to hold me. Something. Someone. Everything just feels bland, lonely. I need someone to hold, hold me, to love, to hate, love me or hate me, fuck me, hit me, I don't know. I can't stand feeling numb and bored with life.

I guess I'll sit here and wait.

-

Million Dollar Kitty

Tue, 20 Sep 2005 21:31:37 GMT

Today I dug a grave for a friend. Today we had our Cat, Henry, put down. I was able to get pictures with him one last time. He had degraded so much, but he still, in many ways, acted like himself. We couldn't bear to watch him lose his soul as well as his body. He's been a friend to us for a long time, but we realized that it was best for him to go peacefully like this, than to get to the point where he couldn't walk or even hold himself up. He was energetic to the last, as much as his emaciated frame would let him be. It reminds me of the movie Million Dollar Baby. We did what was best for him, not for us. We couldn't stop crying at the vets, and I had to drive home because my mother didn't have the energy. The rental car became a hurse. We burried him in the back yard between two young trees.

I wish I had had the courage to at least ask if I could have been with him when he was given the shot. I can't stand the idea of him having died without someone in the family with him. I just couldn't do it. It was so hard to bear the meowing from the cat-carrier as we drove to the vet's. He had no idea what was happening. At least it was painless. You never know how much an animal can affect you until he's gone. I know I really took him for granted. I remember, after he had been making messes nearly every day that I said, in my anger, that I was redy for him to die. I had no idea how wrong I was. It never registered to me how serious his condition was, and never knew it would have come down to this.

I remember him strong and curious. He used to be able to jump to my top bunk bed and sleep there when I was little. I remember him climbing up our Christmas trees, I remember when we got him. I remember the clubs William and I made up that revolved around our cats being the leaders of a vast kingdom. We made currency for out little world and everything. They were our friends when we didn't have that many.

Henry took care of my mom. She's had a hard time here and he was one of her best friends. This is hardest for her. He would never leave her side when she was sick or bedridden, he was always there, happy just to be with her. Sometimes I realize that he was better to my mom than I am, but I know that's just a feeling.

I feel like I'm a little kid again, 8 years old and holding on to the injured animals I would find that would eventually die in my hands, but this time I failed, and he was with strangers.

I held him one last time minutes before he was put to sleep. It was the first time I didn't want to brush all his fur off my shirt. Its the only bits of him left now.

I guess I'll post more later. I just feel dead and numb.

Here's to you Henry. You weren't a pet, you were a friend. Sleep well kiddo.

PEARL JAM

Light Years

I’ve used hammers made out of wood
I have played games with pieces and rules
I’ve deciphered tricks at the bar
But now you’re gone, I haven’t figured out why
I’ve come up with riddles and jokes about war
I’ve figured out numbers and what they’re for
I’ve understood feelings, and I’ve understood words
But how could you be taken away?

And wherever you’ve gone, and wherever we might go
It don’t seem fair, today just disappeared
Your light’s reflected now, reflected from afar
We were but stones, your light made us stars

The heavy breath, awakened regrets
Backpages and days alone, that could have been spent
Together, but we were miles apart
Every inch between us becomes light years now
No need to be void, or save up on life
You got to spend it all

And wherever you’ve gone, and wherever we might go
It don’t seem fair, you seemed to like it here
Your light’s reflected now, reflected from afar
We were but stones, your light made us stars

And wherever you’ve gone, and wherever we might go
It don’t seem fair, today just disappeared
Your light’s reflected now, reflected from afar
We were but stones, your light made us stars

Token dark lyric post.

Thu, 15 Sep 2005 19:03:33 GMT

I'm kinda numb
It's so distorted
You left me here with this damage that you've caused
My tortured faces
Those fucked up places
In my memories none of them I've lost, but...

I haven't been here long enough to know
Everytime I feel this I just lose control
Such a cancer on the face of everything that's beautiful
I wish that this would just go, go.

It's kinda sick
I feel so dirty
I'm kinda tragic kinda insecure
But I know that I'm the only
One that can fix whatever's wrong I'm sure, but...

I haven't been here long enough to know
Everytime I feel this I just lose control
Such a cancer on the face of everything that's beautiful
I wish that this would just go, go.

I feel so alone
From all I've become
I'll take you down
I'll feel so down
I'm water while you drown
You're lifted while I'm down
I'm cancer in your womb
I'm the needle in your spoon, but...

I haven't been here long enough to know
Everytime I feel this I just lose control
Such a cancer on the face of everything that's beautiful
I wish that this would just go, go.

Just
Just
Just
Just go
Go
Go

All these fucking lies
All your fucking lies

I feel nothing
Longing for something
Lie in bed to take your clothes off
Show me what you're made of
Drugs to soothe me

(All alone)
Leave me here I'm dying
(All alone)
Just kicked me in my face
(All alone)
All alone and crying
(All alone)
I suffocate

I'm not gifted
Slightly twisted
Try hard try hard
To see if I can push you any further
Drugs to soothe me

(All alone)
Leave me here I'm dying
(All alone)
Just kicked me in my face
(All alone)
All alone and crying
(All alone)
I suffocate

Please believe you'll save me, rearrange me
I can feel your feelings running through me
Take away my sorrow my tomorrow
Heal me

(All alone)
Leave me here I'm dying
(All alone)
Just kicked me in my face
(All alone)
All alone and crying
(All alone)
I suffocate

I'm suffocating

You take away
I feel the same

You take away
I feel the same
All the promises you made to me you made in vain
I lost myself inside your tainted smile again

Cause you can't feel my anger
You can't feel my pain
You can't feel my torment
Driving me insane
I can't fight these feelings they will bring you pain
You can't take away
Make me whole again

I feel betrayed
Stuck in your ways
And you rip me apart
With the brutal things you say
I can't deal with shit anymore
I just look away

Cause you can't feel my anger
You can't feel my pain
You can't feel my torment
Driving me insane
I can't fight these feelings they bring only pain
You can't take away
Make me whole again

Mudshovel

You take away
I feel the same
All these promises
You promised only pain
If you take away
And leave me with nothing again

'Cause you can't feel my anger
You can't feel my pain
You can't feel my torment
Driving me insane
I can't fight these feelings they will bring you pain
You can't take away
Make me whole again

You will feel my anger
You will feel my pain
You will feel my torment
Driving you insane
I can't fight these feelings they will bring you pain
You won't take away
I'll be whole again

Mudshovel

you're keeping in step
in the line
got your chin held high and you feel just fine
because you do
what you're told
but inside your heart it is black and it's hollow and it's cold

just how deep do you believe?
will you bite the hand that feeds?
will you chew until it bleeds?
can you get up off your knees?
are you brave enough to see?
do you want to change it?

what if this whole crusade's
a charade
and behind it all there's a price to be paid
for the blood
on which we dine
justified in the name of the holy and the divine

just how deep do you believe?
will you bite the hand that feeds?
will you chew until it bleeds?
can you get up off your knees?
are you brave enough to see?
do you want to change it?

so naïve
to keep holding on to what I want to believe
I can see
but I keep holding on and on and on and on

will you bite the hand that feeds you?
will you stay down on your knees?

And life marches on...

Thu, 15 Sep 2005 16:49:48 GMT

I turned 18 today, I registered for the draft today, and became a legal adult. And I don't care.

Because I found out this morning that our cat, Henry, who has suffered liver failure this past year and has lost 1/3 of his weight is going to be euthanized on the 24th of September. That cat has been a great pet for 10 years, and I never knew I was going to miss him so damned much.

I heard him meow upstairs a minute ago as I was typing this. I can't help but cry. I rarely cry about anything. I know that in a little over a week he is going to be put to sleep, and he doesn't.

I grew up with that animal always being there, and I can't imagine him not being there, on the computer desk when I type, in the study while I read.

Goddammit. I'm crying again.

Wed, 14 Sep 2005 17:59:33 GMT

Do The Evolution

Woo..
I'm ahead, I'm a man
I'm the first mammal to wear pants, yeah
I'm at peace with my lust
I can kill 'cause in God I trust, yeah
It's evolution, baby

I'm at piece, I'm the man
Buying stocks on the day of the crash
On the loose, I'm a truck
All the rolling hills, I'll flatten 'em out, yeah
It's herd behavior, uh huh
It's evolution, baby

Admire me, admire my home
Admire my son, he's my clone
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
This land is mine, this land is free
I'll do what I want but irresponsibly
It's evolution, baby

I'm a thief, I'm a liar
There's my church, I sing in the choir:
(hallelujah, hallelujah)

Admire me, admire my home
Admire my son, admire my clones
'Cause we know, appetite for a nightly feast
Those ignorant Indians got nothin' on me
Nothin', why?
Because... it's evolution, baby!

I am ahead, I am advanced
I am the first mammal to make plans, yeah
I crawled the earth, but now I'm higher
2010, watch it go to fire
It's evolution, baby
Do the evolution
Come on, come on, come on

Sun, 11 Sep 2005 21:47:31 GMT

This weekend let me know what being alive feels like again... so refreshing. I went to the lake with Daniel's and my family. Went on the boat under a perfect blue sky. Being on the water always makes my spirit feel free. The wind on my face, the perfect day. I woke up and decided to not let the shit in my life keep me down. I'm a fighter, I don't stay down long. I spent the night at Daniel's. We had each had a Bloody Mary, and wrote two songs between the hours of two and three AM. Went to bed at 3:30 or 4, and slept until 10. Went to church, spoke to me deeply. It was about forgiveness, letting go of your wrath.

Came home. Played guitar. Worked on more songs. Productive these days, I'll post some songs later.

Today I burned everything that she gave me. It was time to let it go, lose the hope that it would mean something some day. I burned the photos, the artwork, the love letters. I lit a cigarette from the flames on a note explaining how much I was love, how long it took for us to get to a certain point. I saw the photos blister and turn black. I saw the pages of the scrapbook burn away one by one, and the pages of a hurtful chapter in my life fade into flames. Its not in my closet anymore, figuratively or literally. It only exists as ashes.

                       I will never like you. Things will never be okay between us. We will never be friends.

                                        But I forgive you. And I will do my best to hold on to the peace I have                                           now, but anger rises like mercury, and sometimes the dead rise.

                                               I forgive you.

                      I will never forget this though.

I forgive you all, all that have wronged me. I've been hurt. I've bled. I won't hold onto this anymore. I forgive you, now I try to heal.

Within a year I will be gone, and I'll leave all of this, all of you behind. We'll part ways, maybe with some peace, some understanding.

           And here are some songs to express other parts of me that need filling. All in one album.

The Hollow

Run desire run
Sexual being
Run him like a blade
To and through the heart
No conscience
One Motive
Cater to the hollow

Screaming feed me here
Fill me up again
Temporarily pacify this hungering
So grow
Libido throw
Dominoes of indiscretions down
Falling all around
In cycles
In circles
Constantly consuming
Conquer and devour

Cause it's time to bring the fire down
Bridle all this indiscretion
Long enough to edify
And permanently fill this hollow

Screaming feed me here
Fill me up again
Temporarily pacifying

Feed me here
Fill me up again
Temporarily pacifying

Magdalena

Overcome by your
Moving temple
Overcome by this
Holiest of altars

So pure
So rare
To witness such an earthly goddess
That I've lost my self control
Beyond compelled to throw this dollar down before your
Holiest of altars

I'd sell
My soul
My self-esteem a dollar at a time

One chance
One kiss
One taste of you my magdalena

I bear witness
To this place, this prayer, so long forgotten
So pure
So rare
To witness such an earthly goddess

That I'd sell
My soul
My self-esteem a dollar at a time
For one chance
One kiss
One taste of you my black madonna

I'd sell
My soul
My self-esteem a dollar at a time

One taste
One taste
One taste of you my Magdalena

Judith

You're such an inspiration for the ways
That I'll never ever choose to be
Oh so many ways for me to show you
How the savior has abandoned you
F*ck your God
Your Lord and your Christ
He did this
Took all you had and
Left you this way
Still you pray, you never stray
Never taste of the fruit
You never thought to question why

It's not like you killed someone
It's not like you drove a hateful spear into his side
Praise the one who left you
Broken down and paralyzed
He did it all for you
He did it all for you

Oh so many many ways for me to show you
How your dogma has abandoned you
Pray to your Christ, to your god
Never taste of the fruit
Never stray, never break
Never---choke on a lie
Even though he's the one who did this to you
You never thought to question why

Not like you killed someone
It's Not like you drove a spiteful spear into his side
Talk to Jesus Christ
As if he knows the reasons why
He did it all for you
Did it all for you
He did it all for you

Thu, 08 Sep 2005 23:25:32 GMT

"Animal"

one, two, three, four, five against one
five, five, against one
said one, two, three, four, five against one
five, five...five, five...five against one
torture from you to me
abducted from the street
i'd rather be...
i'd rather be with...
i'd rather be with an animal
why would you wanna hurt me?
so frightened of your pain...
i'd rather be...
i'd rather be with...
i'd rather be with an animal
i'd rather be...
i'd rather be...
i'd rather be with an animal
i'd rather be...
i'd rather be with...
i'd rather be with an animal
i'd rather be...
i'd rather be with...
i'd rather be with an animal
said one, two, three, four, five against one
five, five...five, five...five against one
one, two, three, four, five against one
five, five...five, five...five against one

Prize Fighter

Wed, 07 Sep 2005 20:28:16 GMT

Today I began boxing training today. Will and I are coaching each other, and we're starting an amateur prize fighting circle. So far we have several people, including William, Daniel, our friend Samual, and myself. We're getting our sparring gloves in a while, but right now I'm training on the heavy bag with Will with just hand wraps (wrist support). Practicing our stance, jabs, straights, and hooks. We plan to organize some fights either here or in Statesboro, and if we get spectators, we want to either have entry fees from the fighters, or a 2 dollar donation from each spectator so we can have a prize for the winner. Anyone interested should leave a message on this. Anyone can fight, but boxing rules will apply. No experience required, but if you want to win, I suggest you get some instructions, or training. You also might want to get some sparring gloves, so you don't have to rent mine. For damn sure get some wrist wraps.

Happy fighting.

To whom it concerns, and you know who you are.

Tue, 06 Sep 2005 23:31:54 GMT

This goes out to a lot of people, no names, and you know who you are.

Artist: Pearl Jam
Album: Binaural
Title: Rival

All my rivals will see what I have in store
My gun
I’ve been harboring fleets in this reservoir
Red sun
And this nation’s about to explode

Your disciples are riddled with metaphors
Well-hung
Better pony up and bring both your barrelfulls
Not one
As we release this unspeakable toll

How’s our mother to damn these contributors
With mud?
How will the man who made chemicals difficult
Shed blood?
How’s our father supposed to be told?

Quizzes

Tue, 06 Sep 2005 20:16:57 GMT

You are Conner MacManus. You are more serious and
less cynical. "You and your fucking
rope". You are a yekler and not a risk
taker, except for sometimes when the time
comes. You are loyal and would cut up your own
wrists to save someone. ^_^

Boondock Saints... who are you?
brought to you by Quizilla Hmm. Duality much?
You're Vincent! You are a nice guy who's just doin'
his job, and people can come to you for a good
conversation. You're a lot like Socrates,
really. Mostly it's just because you both die
in the end.

Which Pulp Fiction character are YOU?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are...Pulp Fiction. You're so different and
unique that everyone just has to love you.

Which Quentin Tarantino movie are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
"Victims... aren't we all?"

Which Quote From The Crow Are You?
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